January, I hate you!

Demon Kitty’s Cold!

It’s official. It’s now so cold in New England that my penis has fully retracted inside me. I feel like Chaz Bono. This much penis retraction hasn’t happened since Rosie O’Donnell was cast as Betty Rubble.

In Boston it’s literally five degrees out right now. Five degrees! Even my sweet little, she-wolf, kitten, Geoffrey Whiskerbottoms, is upset. Little bitch practically clawed my face off when I pulled the covers off him this morning. It’s actually so cold I had to moisturize with Tapatio just to keep my skin looking alive today. Thank god things warm up next month from the HEAT of my birfday …Daddy’s turning 27 23! And as you all know, Daddy’s b-day is the event of the year.

Now where’s my flippin hot chocolate?!

Noisy Kittens Hungry for Tuna

I think I just watched this 9 times in a row. I want them. I want them all.

Zookeeper Licks Monkey’s Butt for an Hour to “Save the Monkey”

Apparently, a Chinese caretaker saved a rare, born-in-captivity, baby Francois Leaf Monkey from surgery by licking its anus until it passed a whole peanut. A thoughtless patron had tossed the peanut to the 3 month-old monkey and I guess a baby Francois Leaf Monkey can’t have nuts? The butt-licking reportedly took about an hour.  Check out the story for yourself.

Not 100% sure that this story is true, but I PRAY that it is and it certainly gets me excited. And just for the record, I would totally do the same for my sweet Geoffrey Whiskerbottoms.

A Mini Hiccuping Geoffrey Whiskerbottoms! Crying Now.

Eeeeeeeh, if only Geoffrey were still this cute and innocent. If this video doesn’t make your heart melt then you’re going straight to hell. The doe-eyes. The whiskers. The milk mustache/beard. I will eat this kitten alive.

Must steal, I mean kidnap cat-nap (haha get it …”cat nap”) sweet Moses now.

Animals Want to Make Love in Private Too

Damn, these overgrown, striped and uniformed street cats are having more sex than I am (My Geoffrey Whiskerbottoms would be so proud). Honestly, if I was this man, I would have pulled out the film lights, the lube, and the bow chicka wow wows and started filming me some animal porn. I hear that shit’s really popular…in like, Japan. Especially the self-service kind as captured by D-Nast last week.

Check out this man’s funny funny surprise while trying to work from home.

Patty-Cake Cats Kill Me!

OMG, my sweet little Geoffrey Whiskerbottoms needs to learn this shit …or else I’ll stop feeding him. Kiss the tuna tartare bye-bye sweet pussy of mine. Learn a talent and make me YouTube millions.

Dog Watches TV and Masturbates …Like Me!

Meet Ronald. He’s a french bulldog. He likes to watch TV and bop the baloney …just like me! Seriously, put How I Met Your Mother on and I’m there. It’s out. It’s in my hand. I’ve taught little Ronald so well. Enjoy his little show below. Here comes the lipstick.

High five for red rockets!

Animal Hoarder Found Half Eaten by his Dogs

Disturbing on so many levels…

Ugh, animal abuse makes my blood boil and animal hoarders are the worst! This Ohio animal hoarder was found dead after a few weeks in his home. Some of his 50 or so dogs fed off of his decaying body to survive. However, many of them still died of starvation.

Check out the full article here.

Here Kitty Kitty – Food Edition

Today I needed a morning pick me up (Coffee Black tar heroin just wasn’t doing it) so naturally, I turned to cat videos.  I wasted a good 45 minutes, but I sure did feel better.  The watermelon one below kills me. Just look at that fluff ball! He literally looks like one of the giant dust balls from my under-loved peesh.  So effin adorable.

P.S. I think I didn’t really want to get out of bed this morning because my sweet Geoffrey Whiskerbottoms was extra snuggly. He was so sad to see me leave. But I always tell him, “I’ve got to make the dolla-dolla so you can have your tuna-tuna.”

Playing the Sluts

Stiiiiiiiiiiill drunk. And still in Vegas. A self-proclaimed gambling slut (not really) I’ve taken on as many Vegas sluts slots as I possibly can. My favorite machines  are any of the cat-related ones (obvs) and there are thousands of those here. From “Jungle Cats” to my ALL-TIME favorite “KITTY GLITTER.” I don’t think any slut machine can ever top Kitty Glitter. It seriously has it all: a shit ton of pristine bitchy kitties and each pussy is rocking a bunch of glowing precious jewels. Fluffy white long-hairs with sparkly white diamond collars. Heaven! Geoffrey Whiskerbottoms belongs in this game. On second thought tho, I think his game would most likely be “Demon Hunters.”

Even though I haven’t won big (yet), Kitty Glitter keeps me entertained enough that I haven’t realized the thousands tens of dollars I’ve spent. My favorite Kitty Glitter slut is located in the Palms (owned by that hooker from The Real Housewives. Which one you ask? I don’t know, aren’t they all hookers?) and I’ve spent a good five dollars there. Woo!

It’s Kitty Glitter! Inspired by Kitty Glitter!

Playing some sluts!

Random P.S. I’m obsessed with Dave Franco.